Tinnitus

Sleeplessness is a blessing.

It forces you to lay still in the darkness of the night, accompanied by nothing else but your thoughts. And you have no choice over which thought would enter. It comes and goes on its own. In whatever manner it chooses to. You have no say over it. And then you start to feel. And feel you will, of all the feelings that you have been hiding from. Truth has demanded your attention.

This world is a noisy place. Full of arbitrary sound that fills up this huge void of silence. The void left by things unspoken. The void that keeps getting bigger and bigger each time you fail to make a stand, each time you fail to speak the truth, each time you fail to express your love, or your hatred, each time you fail to be sincere. And the sound of arbitrary noise that you make will never be enough to override this deafening emptiness. It only makes it louder.

Can you miscommunicate with yourself? Yes, quite easily, actually. You can make up sound in your head to keep from listening to the beat within. To put on layers after layers until you don't recognize who you have become. To stop listening to yourself, to lie to yourself and to deny your true nature. Then you tell yourself that it is for the greater good. That the day will come when you can be true again, but for now, you have to follow this marked path in front of you. Because this is the road to your dreams, or so you think.

But you have conveniently forgotten that these dreams, are built on the arbitrary noises that you have brought upon yourself. That those dreams are sometimes not really yours but is a landmark that has been flagged along this path that you are following. You told yourself that you are not blind, that this is what you need to do and this what you want to do. And then you get confused, you don't know what's going on, because you are unable to see. And nobody else can see through the layers, nobody else can help, because they are reaching out for the wrong things. You are completely on your own.

And it's not that you haven't admitted the truth, it's not like you have not tried to remove the layers neither have you not felt suffocated. But you wonder if it's too late to turn back. What if you remove all the layers and found that everything beneath is rotten and dying, if not already dead?

It is not that you have chosen the easier path, its not that you have not sacrificed. But could it be that you have done it for a lie. Fighting a cause that isn't really yours in the beginning? Denying the call from the depths of the abyss, that you have left buried?

But it doesn't want to stay silent anymore. You can't keep silent to yourself any longer. It's making a constant sound now. Slow and steady hum from within.. and no white noise in the world can deny its existence.

Sleeplessness is a blessing.