Unmarked

It amazes me how good things and bad things can happen at exactly the same time, within the same space.

Good thing is, they do not cancel each other out.

Happiness is happiness.

Sadness is sadness.

Hope is hope.

It is a long road ahead with paths, uncharted.

And my heart welcomes all the surprises that I shall meet.

Life: A Constant Improv

And to each their own rhythm and melody. A grand orchestra made up of various elements. Sometimes calm and soothing, sometimes erratic and haunting, sometimes surprising with unexpected twists and turns or sometimes, simply monotonous and predictable.

And sometimes, all at once.

And for each sound that comes unheralded, there is a pattern. And for each chaotic set of beat, there will be a soothing taksim. And there will be moments when it all come together in cacophony or harmony.

Ultimately, what seems to be an improv to me, is actually a part of a higher choreography which I could not see or understand just yet.

Middle Eastern Magic

It was a dream come true. I sat there transfixed as the Maestro himself and his enchanting ensemble carried me away into another reality. And there was the Enchantress, dancing beautifully to every single beat and tune with the precision and beauty of a true master of the art. I was completely spellbound. Never have I thought that I would ever watch Hossam and Serena Ramzy perform live, in flesh, right before my very eyes. Having watched videos and listened to their work since I began my love affair with Middle Eastern Dance not too long ago, I jumped when I heard that they were coming to Malaysia and booked my ticket immediately.

There was something soul-lifting about listening to one of my favourite songs, 'Zeina' being played live. Believe me, I almost cried. And to listen to classics like Enta Omri and other songs that I was familiar with makes my heart swell. It was also really really nice to bump into familiar faces. One of the things I love about bellydance is how easily people bond through it in the spirit of sisterhood. I thought I would be alone tonight as most of the people I know went on the first night. So it was a pleasant surprise to meet Huda, (who by the way, came to watch on both nights!) and ended up changing my seat so that we could sit next to each other in the front row. Watching it with a friend made the event so much more worthwhile:D Then, I bumped into Naziehah, Azfa and Mavis. Compared to these ladies, I am very much a newbie. Naziehah is actually the person responsible of converting my sparks of interest into this inextinguishable flame that it is right now. It was her who taught me my first moves and even if it was just for two sessions, I can't thank her enough!

My personal definition of a successful performance is when it reaches out to me on many levels. And the show did just that. The improv segment especially, struck a chord within me. Serena tackled every beat and tune that was thrown to her gracefully and effortlessly. Every movement was executed spontaneously and it turned out simply beautiful. And through my non-expert observation, she was able to do it because she kept her center. A position that she would always come back to no matter where the music carried her. Her understanding of the essence and the underlying meaning of the music, combined with powerful mastery of the techniques contributed to her precision. The fact that she connected well with the musician and her audience is another factor to her mesmerizing performance. It was obviously a two-way communication where the dancer and musicians influenced each other. Most importantly, she was connected to herself. She owned her space and she interpreted the songs with heartfelt genuineness.

So much like life, don't you think? Sometimes it trashes you around, tests all your limits and seems to try to break you. But if you keep your center, engage both your knowledge and intuition and be aware of your environment, then maybe you will enjoy the spin and won't end up so frazzled or out of control. I went home with one thought lingering in my head- what happened to my center? What about you guys out there? Do you know your center?

Who would have thought that one could find enlightenment at the most unexpected time and place. I love Middle Eastern Dance, Raqs Sharqi, Bellydance, Oriental Dance, Tarian Timur Tengah, Tarian Padang Pasir, Danse du Ventre, ..whatever name anyone wish to call it, I love it all the same.

Rubbles 2

It's actually quite fun to watch the pieces falling off. Well, okay. Not fun. Annoying? A little. Scary? UH HUH *nods nods*.. Interesting? mm hmm *nods*

Here's hoping that soon, illusions will vanish.

Here's hoping that soon, the genuine ones is visible among the debris.

Here's hoping that soon, the glimpses of what's buried and hidden will start to come out.

It is simple really. It is all in the foundation.

It is shaky.

Tinnitus

Sleeplessness is a blessing.

It forces you to lay still in the darkness of the night, accompanied by nothing else but your thoughts. And you have no choice over which thought would enter. It comes and goes on its own. In whatever manner it chooses to. You have no say over it. And then you start to feel. And feel you will, of all the feelings that you have been hiding from. Truth has demanded your attention.

This world is a noisy place. Full of arbitrary sound that fills up this huge void of silence. The void left by things unspoken. The void that keeps getting bigger and bigger each time you fail to make a stand, each time you fail to speak the truth, each time you fail to express your love, or your hatred, each time you fail to be sincere. And the sound of arbitrary noise that you make will never be enough to override this deafening emptiness. It only makes it louder.

Can you miscommunicate with yourself? Yes, quite easily, actually. You can make up sound in your head to keep from listening to the beat within. To put on layers after layers until you don't recognize who you have become. To stop listening to yourself, to lie to yourself and to deny your true nature. Then you tell yourself that it is for the greater good. That the day will come when you can be true again, but for now, you have to follow this marked path in front of you. Because this is the road to your dreams, or so you think.

But you have conveniently forgotten that these dreams, are built on the arbitrary noises that you have brought upon yourself. That those dreams are sometimes not really yours but is a landmark that has been flagged along this path that you are following. You told yourself that you are not blind, that this is what you need to do and this what you want to do. And then you get confused, you don't know what's going on, because you are unable to see. And nobody else can see through the layers, nobody else can help, because they are reaching out for the wrong things. You are completely on your own.

And it's not that you haven't admitted the truth, it's not like you have not tried to remove the layers neither have you not felt suffocated. But you wonder if it's too late to turn back. What if you remove all the layers and found that everything beneath is rotten and dying, if not already dead?

It is not that you have chosen the easier path, its not that you have not sacrificed. But could it be that you have done it for a lie. Fighting a cause that isn't really yours in the beginning? Denying the call from the depths of the abyss, that you have left buried?

But it doesn't want to stay silent anymore. You can't keep silent to yourself any longer. It's making a constant sound now. Slow and steady hum from within.. and no white noise in the world can deny its existence.

Sleeplessness is a blessing.

Dream Dance

She danced her broken dance. The one devoid of soul. She smiled when they smiled. She cried when they cried. And when they were gone, she was gone too.

When she spoke, the voice wasn’t hers. She’s like an entity disconnected from her flesh and blood. Like a ghost, but she wasn’t. She was nothing but a reflection

Do her a favour will you? Free her heart and mind. Return her soul. And if you can’t, all that she ask is for you to return her defiance.

Maybe then you can dance your perfect dance. The dance you have been waiting for all your life.

The dance of dreams.

Senyum seindah suria yang membawa cahya *smiles* *smiles* *smiles*

It was yet another lazy, lazy day. Bright, cloudy morning, soft light drizzles and cool atmosphere. Perfect setting for a peaceful sleepy morning. And the bed was such a temptation. But luckily, my will didn't fail me. So here we go again.

Today I clocked 00:18:26.73 for one complete lap. I am trying to push myself to run a little bit further. But I guess, I have to give myself some time before that could happen. Even running the whole lap is not an easy breezy thing. I am still out of breath at the end of it. My leg muscles still need to adapt to this new distance.

One thing I realized is that I can go on running no matter how tired my legs get as long as my core is supported. But once it weakens, as in I feel as though my intestines are going to just drop to the floor and unfold, I can't run anymore. And thanks to raqs sharqi aka bellydancing, my core abdominal muscles can now endure greater strain:D

Well, step by step, I'll get there, I suppose. The greatest lesson here, is patience.

Pavlovian Effect

I made better time today for the complete lap. 19 mins 5 secs :D After 3 days lapse, I didn't expect too much of myself this morning. But dangling an imaginary target in front of me really did help. Human being are reward-oriented organisms after all..Lol!!

It has been fabulous raqs sharqi weekend for me. Attended a workshop conducted by Sandra, a professional middle eastern dancer from San Francisco. Learned so many new techniques. And she introduced a lot of other elements like flamenco, jazz and classical persian that could work in a performance. Sandra's appreciation and understanding of the art is very inspiring. And I am so in love with classical persian hand movements... beautiful!!

Eye-catchers

These are some snaps from my recent escapade:

This flower is actually really, really tiny. Approximately 0.5 cm wide. At a glance, it looks like blue dots among the greens.

Cactus at Cactus Point. I went a little bit crazy here and brought home 11 different types.

Polkadots

From the deck of the Tea Shop at Sg Palas Boh Tea Plantation

From behind the bush.


A type of succulent tree at Cactus Point

Freesias

This is another tiny beauty. This picture is at least 10 times it's original size.

This is what a schlumbergera looks like.

Fuschias

Epiphany

I fall and I rise
I fall and I rise
Rise and rise
Dust the pain away
Reclaim what's mine

Bouncing, bouncing,
I see and I saw
I see and I saw

Wipe the tears off
Wash the blood stain
Wear the scars proudly
Like a diamond, like a diamond
And laugh, and laugh

Thank You for the little clues
I understand now

Keeping Track

I almost didn't want to get up and run this morning. It was a cool and cloudy day. Very, very tempted to sleep in. But I sure am glad I got up anyway. It was such a nice weather to be outside!!

The trail was wet this morning. My new shoes seem to give a good grip on the jogging track, but was slightly off with the cement and wooden part. I guess, I just have to be extra careful. Aside from that, I love the cushioning on my NB. It absorbs the impact very well and it felt as though there's an extra bounce when I run. And for heavy people like me, I think this lessens the strain on the knee quite significantly. So yup, I was sceptical before, but yes, a proper running shoe is very important if you are thinking of running regularly.

In order to reach my target of running one complete lap of the park, I've mapped out my own 'milestones' to keep track of my progress. There are 12 checkpoints altogether. I am now aiming to run up to the second checkpoint. Let's see if this works. :D

Morning Delight

An amusing sight greeted me as I entered the park this morning. A man was doing some monkey-acts in his attempt to attract the attention of some , well, monkeys. And the cute primate looked on while probably thinking, who's the monkey now? :D

Setting the pace yet again

I think I shimmied the knee pain away during the weekend. Hiks. So yeah, took the shoe for its maiden run this morning. I love my shoes!!!

I believe I can fly...

And I did. Really.

During my recent solo shopping trip, while I was walking out of a diner, I missed a step and had my left shoe flying off backwards while I flew forward. Ended up on all fours, heads down. There goes my diva image. But then again, what diva lah? That was just so me, I guess. Lol! Amazingly, my shopping bags survived without so much of a wrinkle. And because I am no Cinderella, I couldn't afford to leave my shoes anywhere, so I walked back to get my shoe which had survived quite a flight. Lol! luckily it didn't fall into anyone's food. Good thing I wasn't wearing a skirt, I didn't think the employees of the establishment could have looked more shocked and amused than they did. Slipped my shoe back on, shrugged and said a quick 'Ooops', flash a smile and walked out as though nothing happened eventhough my knees actually hurt like mad. And I couldn't stop bursting into giggles all day long. Lol! What a day it was...


Among the things that I bought, was a little something to get me revved up again. A belated birthday gift for myself :D. And I got it at 60% off which left me reeling with exhilaration like any proud bargain huntress would. Meet my first ever proper running shoes: the New Balance WR734 from the Running-lightweight series. I think it's an older version, but I am happy all the same. Can't wait to take it out on its first run!!! (as soon as the pain goes away, that is..:D)

Infectobesity

What if I tell you that obesity could be infectious? Uhuh, like the flu or cold kind of infectious. Yes, the type that you could catch just by sharing the same breathing space. What would you say?

So this piece of news isn't really new. It has been discussed for more than a decade now. It all began when a scientist who was studying a type of virus that was killing lots of chicken in Bombay observed that most of the infected birds died fat. This was rather odd, since killer viruses usually left its victim all skinny and emaciated before they die. So as the story goes, the scientist, Dr. Dhurandar, moved to the States and faced some problems to import the virus samples from India to the US as the authorities were not very keen on bringing in the microscopic chicken slayers into the country. So undettered by the circumstances (*salute!*) he tried to find a similar strain in the human adenovirus group. Voila! The human adenovirus Ad-36 was discovered and received a lot of scientific attention thereafter.

So technicalities aside, let's just say that this human adenovirus comes from a family of about 50 sera types (variants) and some of them are known to be responsible for upper respiratory tract infections ranging from harmless cold to dangerous pneumonia and gastrointestinal problems as well as eye infection. The mode of transmission is through the air.

So how does it make us fat??

In August 2007, at a conference in Boston, Dr Dhurandar's colleague revealed that this particular virus makes our adipose tissue more efficient in storing fat. Which means bigger, plumper, meaner, juicier, fatter fat cells. Roaarrr!! And not only that, a tissue culture test suggested that the virus increases the efficiency of the adult stem cells to become fat cells by 3-fold. What does that mean?!? To explain briefly, excess calories are stored as fat in adipose tissue. Try to imagine it as somekind of balloon/sacs that can be filled to store liquid or air. So what this virus does is not only does it increase the number of balloon, it makes each balloon bigger too!! However, paradoxically, the level of serum lipid and triglycerides in infected obese individuals are considerably low as compared to uninfected obese subjects.

Need more evidence?

Statistically, it was found that the pattern of the spreading of obesity mirrored that of an epidemic. Meaning, it spreads like a disease. As for hard, cold science; some animal testing has been done and infected avian and primates showed significant weight and body fat increment. On human subjects, more than 500 people has been tested and the results showed that 30% of subjects who are obese are found to be infected as opposed to only 11% from slim group. And there was this intriguing piece of evidence that came from a twin study. So this pair of identical twin girls (that means exactly identical genetic composition) were pretty much of similar weight all of their lives until one of them left home for college and two years later became 2.5 stones heavier than her twin sister. Blood test confirmed that at some point, the twin who left home for college, was infected by Ad-36.

The twin study was however, contestable. For all you know, it was the college lifestyle (and the stress, and the parties, and the lazy-bum days :D) that was causing the weight-gain instead of the virus. And that notion is the main debate amongst obesity experts; lifestyle+genes vs pathogenic agents. Many has remained highly sceptical of the findings and insisted that obesity is mainly a lifestyle-related disorder. (So they agreed that it is a disorder? Lol!)

From a scientific point of view, there are so many interesting questions and possibilities to be addressed. Like, can we at some point come up with a vaccine against obesity? But anyway, what it is really, is a risk factor. If you are infected, that means you get fat easier. Just like the genetic factor, if you have a family history of obesity, that means the likelihood of you getting obese is higher. As simple as that. It still comes down to lifestyle and the choices you make that will determine whether or not those fat cells get filled.

Hehehe, I love it when science gets quirky.

Worrywart

"Let the lover be disgraceful, crazy, absent-minded.
Someone sober will worry about events going badly.
Let the lover be"

~ Jalaludin Rumi 

Remember the things I said about slipping off my fitness plan and suffering the consequences? Well, it turns out that there is a hole in that path which I am falling deep down, tumbling and flipping all the way. And that hole has a name. It is called ‘Worry’. That is when it stopped being fun and carefree.

“Worry is like a rocking chair--it gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere.” ~Glenn Turner

I’m sure you’d agree that worrying can easily trigger a cascade of negative thoughts. Before you know it, you’ll get caught in a torrent of self-defeating thoughts. You start being obsessed about things, start to lose confidence and feel like a failure. In short, nothing in life is going right, it seems. Victim alert!! For me, it was the traversing in between being in the shadows and being in the light that was wearing me out. I was feeling rather alone, and it felt as though I wasn’t getting the support that I needed. At the same time, I knew that it wasn’t all that bad. It was as if, I could see it all happening, but was somehow unable to completely stop it. And the whole physical discomfort that I was suffering seems to be aggravated and at the same time aggravating the situation. I was unable to function.

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers" ~M. Scott Peck

Worry can be good, if you learn to worry well. Because, it will help you decide on your next course of action. The long, long way down has been beneficial in some ways. It has become clear now what I need to prioritise on in the present time. More than anything else, health comes first. And the many, many things that I want my in my life, has somewhat became much more defined. And I am able to see what I need most at this time. And also what I am lacking. A piece of advice though, do not worry when you are hungry, do not worry when you lack of sleep and maybe, just maybe it’s best to worry after a round of dancing or whatever you fancy.

"....every evening I turn my worries over to God. He's going to be up all night anyway...." ~Mary C. Crowley

Being human we need support. I know I need it, at least. And I am lucky to have those whom I can bug day in, day out. The guardian angels who didn’t mind to be sucked into my distraught frame of mind and to be pounced upon during my frustrations. Or simply to listen to me yak endlessly about the same things over and over and over again. But did it really help? It did to a certain extent. But when you have set your mind to believe in something, nothing others can say can make you feel better. Or maybe in some cases, the worries stemmed from somewhere deep within. A place where you won’t let anyone enter, sometimes it is even inaccessible to yourself. When this is the case, the real problem won’t be addressed; in fact you will end up masking it with other peripheral issues. And to whom else would you turn to in this matter? To whom else can you let it all fall?

" On no soul doth Allah Place a burden greater than it can bear. It gets every good that it earns, and it suffers every ill that it earns......." ~Al-Quran (2:286)

Everything has its purpose. Something will come out from all of this, as always. I hope. God-willing.

Adrift

I had all the right to rage
When the hurricane swept me off
And threw me deep inside the cave
But I didn’t…not for long
Instead I learned that my soul could spark colours
And the darkness became my canvas

I had all the right to be jaded
When the mountain crumbled down on me
And buried me under rocks and sticks
But I didn’t...not for long
Instead I made them my anchor
And I learned to walk and run again

Now as I drift alone in this sea
Looking at the blue, blue sky
With clouds that kept changing shapes
Teasing me with images of places far, far away
And you know.. I have all the right to sink
But I won’t… not just yet
Because this is my cue to soar

And for that I thank You..
For all the bad jokes that make me stronger
And help me to learn to laugh harder
And I knew deep down that it was all
Your prerogative.

Three Questions

If you were given only one more minute to live,

1. What would be the thoughts that would flash through your mind?
2. What would pain you most knowing that there wouldn't be enough time to achieve/do/complete?
3. How have you affected change in yourself, your loved ones and the world around you? Not necessarily in a ground-breaking, world-altering sense, but small, simple gestures to make things better.

Life is an enigma. You may have walked many different paths, you may have jumped from one plane to another, yet at some points, you will find yourself right back at your starting point. One full circle completed. And how sad it would be to look inside the loop to find out that it was mostly fears, lies, insecurities and cowardice.

Lucky are the ones who are given the chance to come to that realization before the final loop. Strong are the ones who could face the humbling truths and collect all the little shiny pieces before the journey continues. Courageous are the ones who could relinquish all control and arrogance to tap into the Source of all Powers.

Life needs to be genuine.

Chromatose

I've always thought that only grey and white matter
And often it brought me into the black
But then I discovered red, blue, purple and pink
Orange, yellow and sometimes green
Alone, in pairs or all together
Splashes, patches, strips and drops
Flying, floating, falling
Raw, pure, matte
Glossy, shiny, bright
Cold, Warm
Alive..

*knock knock*

Hola!!

Looks like I'm back on blogosphere.