It's actually quite fun to watch the pieces falling off. Well, okay. Not fun. Annoying? A little. Scary? UH HUH *nods nods*.. Interesting? mm hmm *nods*
Here's hoping that soon, illusions will vanish.
Here's hoping that soon, the genuine ones is visible among the debris.
Here's hoping that soon, the glimpses of what's buried and hidden will start to come out.
It is simple really. It is all in the foundation.
It is shaky.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Monday, June 2, 2008
Tinnitus
Sleeplessness is a blessing.
It forces you to lay still in the darkness of the night, accompanied by nothing else but your thoughts. And you have no choice over which thought would enter. It comes and goes on its own. In whatever manner it chooses to. You have no say over it. And then you start to feel. And feel you will, of all the feelings that you have been hiding from. Truth has demanded your attention.
This world is a noisy place. Full of arbitrary sound that fills up this huge void of silence. The void left by things unspoken. The void that keeps getting bigger and bigger each time you fail to make a stand, each time you fail to speak the truth, each time you fail to express your love, or your hatred, each time you fail to be sincere. And the sound of arbitrary noise that you make will never be enough to override this deafening emptiness. It only makes it louder.
Can you miscommunicate with yourself? Yes, quite easily, actually. You can make up sound in your head to keep from listening to the beat within. To put on layers after layers until you don't recognize who you have become. To stop listening to yourself, to lie to yourself and to deny your true nature. Then you tell yourself that it is for the greater good. That the day will come when you can be true again, but for now, you have to follow this marked path in front of you. Because this is the road to your dreams, or so you think.
But you have conveniently forgotten that these dreams, are built on the arbitrary noises that you have brought upon yourself. That those dreams are sometimes not really yours but is a landmark that has been flagged along this path that you are following. You told yourself that you are not blind, that this is what you need to do and this what you want to do. And then you get confused, you don't know what's going on, because you are unable to see. And nobody else can see through the layers, nobody else can help, because they are reaching out for the wrong things. You are completely on your own.
And it's not that you haven't admitted the truth, it's not like you have not tried to remove the layers neither have you not felt suffocated. But you wonder if it's too late to turn back. What if you remove all the layers and found that everything beneath is rotten and dying, if not already dead?
It is not that you have chosen the easier path, its not that you have not sacrificed. But could it be that you have done it for a lie. Fighting a cause that isn't really yours in the beginning? Denying the call from the depths of the abyss, that you have left buried?
But it doesn't want to stay silent anymore. You can't keep silent to yourself any longer. It's making a constant sound now. Slow and steady hum from within.. and no white noise in the world can deny its existence.
Sleeplessness is a blessing.
It forces you to lay still in the darkness of the night, accompanied by nothing else but your thoughts. And you have no choice over which thought would enter. It comes and goes on its own. In whatever manner it chooses to. You have no say over it. And then you start to feel. And feel you will, of all the feelings that you have been hiding from. Truth has demanded your attention.
This world is a noisy place. Full of arbitrary sound that fills up this huge void of silence. The void left by things unspoken. The void that keeps getting bigger and bigger each time you fail to make a stand, each time you fail to speak the truth, each time you fail to express your love, or your hatred, each time you fail to be sincere. And the sound of arbitrary noise that you make will never be enough to override this deafening emptiness. It only makes it louder.
Can you miscommunicate with yourself? Yes, quite easily, actually. You can make up sound in your head to keep from listening to the beat within. To put on layers after layers until you don't recognize who you have become. To stop listening to yourself, to lie to yourself and to deny your true nature. Then you tell yourself that it is for the greater good. That the day will come when you can be true again, but for now, you have to follow this marked path in front of you. Because this is the road to your dreams, or so you think.
But you have conveniently forgotten that these dreams, are built on the arbitrary noises that you have brought upon yourself. That those dreams are sometimes not really yours but is a landmark that has been flagged along this path that you are following. You told yourself that you are not blind, that this is what you need to do and this what you want to do. And then you get confused, you don't know what's going on, because you are unable to see. And nobody else can see through the layers, nobody else can help, because they are reaching out for the wrong things. You are completely on your own.
And it's not that you haven't admitted the truth, it's not like you have not tried to remove the layers neither have you not felt suffocated. But you wonder if it's too late to turn back. What if you remove all the layers and found that everything beneath is rotten and dying, if not already dead?
It is not that you have chosen the easier path, its not that you have not sacrificed. But could it be that you have done it for a lie. Fighting a cause that isn't really yours in the beginning? Denying the call from the depths of the abyss, that you have left buried?
But it doesn't want to stay silent anymore. You can't keep silent to yourself any longer. It's making a constant sound now. Slow and steady hum from within.. and no white noise in the world can deny its existence.
Sleeplessness is a blessing.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Dream Dance
She danced her broken dance. The one devoid of soul. She smiled when they smiled. She cried when they cried. And when they were gone, she was gone too.
When she spoke, the voice wasn’t hers. She’s like an entity disconnected from her flesh and blood. Like a ghost, but she wasn’t. She was nothing but a reflection
Do her a favour will you? Free her heart and mind. Return her soul. And if you can’t, all that she ask is for you to return her defiance.
Maybe then you can dance your perfect dance. The dance you have been waiting for all your life.
The dance of dreams.
When she spoke, the voice wasn’t hers. She’s like an entity disconnected from her flesh and blood. Like a ghost, but she wasn’t. She was nothing but a reflection
Do her a favour will you? Free her heart and mind. Return her soul. And if you can’t, all that she ask is for you to return her defiance.
Maybe then you can dance your perfect dance. The dance you have been waiting for all your life.
The dance of dreams.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Senyum seindah suria yang membawa cahya *smiles* *smiles* *smiles*
It was yet another lazy, lazy day. Bright, cloudy morning, soft light drizzles and cool atmosphere. Perfect setting for a peaceful sleepy morning. And the bed was such a temptation. But luckily, my will didn't fail me. So here we go again.
Today I clocked 00:18:26.73 for one complete lap. I am trying to push myself to run a little bit further. But I guess, I have to give myself some time before that could happen. Even running the whole lap is not an easy breezy thing. I am still out of breath at the end of it. My leg muscles still need to adapt to this new distance.
One thing I realized is that I can go on running no matter how tired my legs get as long as my core is supported. But once it weakens, as in I feel as though my intestines are going to just drop to the floor and unfold, I can't run anymore. And thanks to raqs sharqi aka bellydancing, my core abdominal muscles can now endure greater strain:D
Well, step by step, I'll get there, I suppose. The greatest lesson here, is patience.
Today I clocked 00:18:26.73 for one complete lap. I am trying to push myself to run a little bit further. But I guess, I have to give myself some time before that could happen. Even running the whole lap is not an easy breezy thing. I am still out of breath at the end of it. My leg muscles still need to adapt to this new distance.
One thing I realized is that I can go on running no matter how tired my legs get as long as my core is supported. But once it weakens, as in I feel as though my intestines are going to just drop to the floor and unfold, I can't run anymore. And thanks to raqs sharqi aka bellydancing, my core abdominal muscles can now endure greater strain:D
Well, step by step, I'll get there, I suppose. The greatest lesson here, is patience.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Pavlovian Effect
I made better time today for the complete lap. 19 mins 5 secs :D After 3 days lapse, I didn't expect too much of myself this morning. But dangling an imaginary target in front of me really did help. Human being are reward-oriented organisms after all..Lol!!
It has been fabulous raqs sharqi weekend for me. Attended a workshop conducted by Sandra, a professional middle eastern dancer from San Francisco. Learned so many new techniques. And she introduced a lot of other elements like flamenco, jazz and classical persian that could work in a performance. Sandra's appreciation and understanding of the art is very inspiring. And I am so in love with classical persian hand movements... beautiful!!
It has been fabulous raqs sharqi weekend for me. Attended a workshop conducted by Sandra, a professional middle eastern dancer from San Francisco. Learned so many new techniques. And she introduced a lot of other elements like flamenco, jazz and classical persian that could work in a performance. Sandra's appreciation and understanding of the art is very inspiring. And I am so in love with classical persian hand movements... beautiful!!
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Eye-catchers
These are some snaps from my recent escapade:
This flower is actually really, really tiny. Approximately 0.5 cm wide. At a glance, it looks like blue dots among the greens.
Cactus at Cactus Point. I went a little bit crazy here and brought home 11 different types.
Polkadots
From the deck of the Tea Shop at Sg Palas Boh Tea Plantation
From behind the bush.
A type of succulent tree at Cactus Point
This is another tiny beauty. This picture is at least 10 times it's original size.
Fuschias
A type of succulent tree at Cactus Point
Freesias
This is another tiny beauty. This picture is at least 10 times it's original size. 
This is what a schlumbergera looks like.
FuschiasThursday, March 20, 2008
Epiphany
I fall and I rise
I fall and I rise
Rise and rise
Dust the pain away
Reclaim what's mine
Bouncing, bouncing,
I see and I saw
I see and I saw
Wipe the tears off
Wash the blood stain
Wear the scars proudly
Like a diamond, like a diamond
And laugh, and laugh
Thank You for the little clues
I understand now
I fall and I rise
Rise and rise
Dust the pain away
Reclaim what's mine
Bouncing, bouncing,
I see and I saw
I see and I saw
Wipe the tears off
Wash the blood stain
Wear the scars proudly
Like a diamond, like a diamond
And laugh, and laugh
Thank You for the little clues
I understand now
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